Monthly Archives: June 2012

Wealthy New Yorker Buys Cockroach Eggs to ‘Fit In’

A wealthy investment banker and Midtown condo owner recently purchased cockroach eggs from a Chinese website in an attempt to “fit in with the struggles of his fellow New Yorkers.”

Peter Paps lives on the 23rd floor of a high-rise near 57th and Broadway, where he has been for the last 15 years. Paps has never had cockroaches in his apartment, due to the excessive $10,000 maintenance fee he pays per month. The fee grants for daily exterminator visits while he works, which in turn also prevents bed bugs, mice, ants and those little crawling things with 100 legs that always seem to run under your couch right when you’re about to smash them.

The cockroach egg purchase, Paps says, is an attempt to seem more like a regular New Yorker, instead of “that guy who definitely has too much money and doesn’t hesitate to let everyone know that he has more money than them because he walks around with 100-dollar bills sticking out of his golden fedora.” Instead of simply buying cockroaches and posing with them for pictures, and then posting them to Facebook to show his friends that he is also a human with emotions and roaches in his apartment, Paps wanted to do things the real way.

“Any guy with a couple quarters can go down to the slums of Manhattan, you know like 20th and Park, and buy some live cockroaches,” Paps said. “But I paid top dollar for the Chinese to send me these roach eggs, and when these babies hatch I’m going to have them stay at the Trump Roach, which the Donald obviously created just for me.”

When told about the attempt to fit in, Paps’ doorman said, “He’ll fit in when he stops riding around the city on that pink elephant. Oh, and also when he takes off the Ronald Reagan mask that he wore to last year’s Halloween party on the rooftop. It’s starting to freak the kids out.”

Voice of NYC Subway Looking to Break Character

When Heather Frete signed a contract with the MTA to record next-stop announcements for all lettered-trains, she could hardly have predicted how hard it would be for her to break character. The now-famous tones that tell straphangers such important messages as, “The next stop is, Canal Street,” or “Transfer is available to the E train” have become a burden for Frete.

“Whenever I go to the grocery store, and the cashier asks me whether I want paper or plastic, they know right away,” Frete said. “They then start trying to imitate me, and inevitably ask me to say a line. So I have to say something dumb like, ‘This is a Murray Hill Gristedes. The next stop is: 3rd Avenue Laundromat.’ I swear, I want to break every one of their little registers when that happens.”

Frete has attempted to break the mold by auditioning for other voiceover roles. In the last two weeks, she has attempted to replace the voice at the Whole Foods checkout line, the Penn Station escalators, and the elevators at the Trump Soho, all to no avail.

“When I read for the Penn Station escalator, they told me I was too formal. They wanted someone cheerier, and my voice was associated with the homeless, the body odor and the delays of the subway,” Frete said. “When I tried my smiley Oklahoma voice, they laughed uncontrollably until I threw one heel and one wedge shoe at them. That brought the police.”

Frete now awaits a hearing at the Greenwich Village police precinct. She is charged with disorderly assault and a lack of empathy for delayed passengers on the L train.