Supreme Court Justices Complain of Awkward Tan Lines

With major decisions on immigration and campaign finance already announced, and a healthcare decision looming later this week, several Supreme Court Justices took to the press to speak their mind. In a rare series of interviews, Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Kagan, Scalia, and Ginsburg spent 45 minutes lamenting the tan lines they develop each summer.

“Everyone knows that we are appointed to the Court for life,” said Roberts. “But not everyone is aware that we can’t take these heavy black robes off. Have you ever tried to run on an elliptical in one of these?”

Scalia was quick to take up the issue of tan lines, as the New Jersey native heads to the Jersey Shore whenever the Court is not in session. “Take a look at what I’m wearing,” Scalia urged reporters. “The only things I can get tan are my head, my hands and my double chin.” Those close to Scalia confirmed the sunburn on the second of Scalia’s chins.

Ginsburg was even more adamant about the need for a Constitutional amendment that would allow the Justices the freedom to even out their tan lines, even if it meant a tanning booth in each of their chambers. “Back in the 40’s, all the solders coming back from the war used to love my tan. Now, well, let’s just say things aren’t looking as good under this robe,” Ginsburg said, as 20 reporters lost their lunches from the last two weeks.

A relatively new addition to the Court as an Obama-appointed Justice, Kagan said she was having a difficult time adjusting to having to wear the robe full-time. “Just this past weekend, I went to the pool and laid out for a few hours,” Kagan said. When I de-robed to shower [Justices can remove the garb for personal hygiene], I looked like one of those red, white and blue popsicles.” Several more reporters lost a month’s worth of dinners at this claim, and nobody asked what the “blue part” came from.

When awoken from their two-month nap for comment on the issue, members of Congress mumbled something about tanning causing the national debt to rise before immediately going back to their hibernation.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s