Onlookers Horrified as Child Licks Subway Pole

Some unwritten rules in New York City are not meant to be broken: don’t eat at restaurants that have an F-minus-minus rating, don’t feed the pigeons your leftovers from Le Bernadin, don’t go to Times Square ever, and, of course don’t start a conga line down Houston St. with the homeless.

In that same vein is a rule broken yesterday by one 7-year-old boy: don’t ever, EVER touch your tongue to a subway pole. Particularly one of the poles on the C trains, because they’ve been around since the Civil War.

The boy, nicknamed “Frogfart” by his comrades in the first grade, was riding with his parents from 14th St. up to 81st St. en route to the Museum of Natural History. According to passengers who witnessed the event, the train left the Columbus Circle station and Frogfart inched toward the center pole, grabbing on with both hands. Before his parents could reach him, the boy stuck put his head toward the ground, stuck out his tongue and let loose a long lick that reached as high as his 4-foot-frame would allow.

As the boy licked, a silent alarm was triggered at the New York City Health Department, and the train was met by officials in hazmat suits at 72nd street. The boy was confiscated while his parents were spanked for lazy parenting by Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

Frogfart is currently being quarantined in an Upper West Side Jewish hospital, where rabbis are currently trying to guilt the desire to lick subway poles out of him. To date, there has been no reported success.

Meanwhile, seven onlookers were being treated for acid reflux on a Central Park bench following the incident.



One response to “Onlookers Horrified as Child Licks Subway Pole

  1. Actually, Madison licked the subway poll last week when I brought her into work. I almost fainted. For the record, no parent could have gotten their hand in there fast enough and I was NOT spanked.

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