Michael Fortly, a barista at a local Chelsea coffee shop, has struggled to keep the bottoms of his pants dry for as long as he can remember.
“Every time it rains, I end up with wet, brown jeans from stepping in puddles,” Fortly said. “Then the pants dry and turn kinda gross, and eventually fray.”
Though Fortly has resisted the obvious solutions for his entire life, he appears ready to make a monumental move that could allow him to spend his paychecks on something other than new pants.
Friends have suggested a number of options for “Wet Pantsly,” as he has become known to the bodega community and New Jersey Devils fans. Many suggested not wearing pants, others recommended wearing short shorts, and still more proposed tucking pants into rain boots.
Yet it was only recently that Fortly decided to face a fear he has held ever since he could remember; or, at least since he stopped smoking six joints per day: the barista is ready to purchase high-water pants.
The fear, it seems, stems from unusually sensitive ankles, which doctors often describe as “unusually sensitive ankles.” Though Fortly can expose his entire leg to the outside world, allowing only his ankles to breath causes symptoms that include hives, shallow breathing and the over-consumption of matzoh balls.
For the last six months, Fortly has worked with a therapist to overcome his issues, which he claims have resulted in owing Uniqlo “at least 17 beers, a slice of pizza from Joe’s…and $2,500.”
When Fortly puts on his first pair of high-water pants, which he expects to do sometime next week, he doesn’t know what to expect. He’s been rubbing his ankles with Icy Hot for the last two weeks in preparation, and frequently cutting off leg hair, only to re-apply with masking tape.
His therapist, in an obvious breach of doctor-patient confidentiality, told us: “Have you ever seen something so ridiculous? Besides from my other patient, Zach Brownstein, who has licked nearly three-fourths of the Mr. Softee trucks in Manhattan.”