75 Chicago Investment Bankers Involved in Intramural Steroid Scandal

The history of intramural sports is riddled with scandal. Among some of the most famous incidents:

  • Two non-profit girls were indicted in an ultimate frisbee point-shaving scandal in Houston in 1991
  • The “Kick Nasty” kickball team in Los Angeles was banned from the sport after the water balloon prank of 1997.
  • Seven clowns from the Barnum and Bailey flag football team were accused of greasing their flags, though the charges were never proven

On Sunday, however, the biggest scandal in the history of intramural sports occurred, as 75 Chicago investment bankers from J.P. Morgan, Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs were charged with the excessive use of PEDs (protein-enhancing drinks) in the extremely casual softball league run by the Chicago Intramural Sports League. League officials became suspicious of the protein ring after several players began bench pressing spectators in the outfield, while pitchers started attaching 50 pound weights to their gloves for bicep curls between push-ups.

“It appears the banking community has started its own e-mail list, whereby tips and underground protein secrets were passed back and forth,” said Officer George Donahue. “There was also something about the Facebook IPO and Bernie Madoff on there, but to be honest, it all seemed like mumble jumble to me.”

Those players caught in the juicing scandal will appear before a court of polish sausages on August 21. Those players who resist will be allowed to play again after a two-year ban from the league.

Those who clog their arteries with the meats will be offered a roster spot on the Chicago Cubs.


Chinese Restaurant Revamps Cookie Part of Fortune Cookie

Fortune cookies: people either love them, hate them, or can’t understand what the hell the fortune is trying to say. But either way, the popular dessert item found in nearly every Chinese takeout restaurant has an established shape and taste that predates Confucious, or at the very least, Seinfeld.

But one Manhattan food truck has had enough with fortune cookie tradition, and is looking to upgrade the treat in a big way. The truck, titled, “Name, phone number, what would you like?” (abbreviated NPNWWYL on the side of the truck) has been roaming the East Village for the last two weeks passing out free samples of its new fortune cookie. Though the truck serves several traditional Chinese meals, such as General Tso’s Chicken, Chicken and Broccoli and Roasted Censorship, the big draw is the new cookie.

“There are a few things that make our fortune cookies so special,” said the truck’s founder, Samuel K. Jackson. “For one, we changed the shape. We were really inspired by the Jewish people, so we shaped it like a hamantaschen. Then, we thought we would play into the cupcake craze a bit, so we dipped it in three layers of frosting. On the inside, you obviously have to have fro-yo, because how else will we get the young professionals to eat it?”

When asked if, perhaps, the new fortune cookie recipe was a bit excessive, Jackson replied, “I’M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD CRITICS ON THESE MOTHERFUCKING STREETS CRITICIZING MY FORTUNE COOKIES.”    He then pulled out his iPhone and told Siri, “for the 250th time, my middle initial is K, not L.”

On first glance, and on the second, third and 300th glance, the concoction looks nothing like a fortune cookie. Jackson, however, says that there is one obvious connection to the traditional cookie. “Misspelled fortunes.” he said. “We’ve got a whole team of unpaid interns working away underneath the truck, live-tweeting and cranking out fortunes. If they give us something with all of the words spelled and with correct grammar, we make them chug MSG.”

“The more nonsensical the fortune, the more we reward them with frosting noogies.”

An example of a typical fortune from Jackson’s truck reads: “Rainbos cross your sky three days preasent, yet who do you runn the race with down snow-coverd buffaloee?”

The internship, according to one unnamed participant in the program, is only accepted at Syracuse’s Newhouse School of Public Communications.

Economic Predictions from Non-Economic Places

At the 2012 Presidential Election begins drawing near, economic conditions figure to play a large part in who will bore viewers during their State of the Union Address for the next four year. If you thought that everyone seemed to be making predictions on how the economy will fare in the coming months, you’d be right. That’s why we’ve scoured the Internet for some of the more bizarre economic forecasts out there:

  • The Weather Channel- Partly good, partly bad. The economy will start poorly, but then will get better. But then will get worse again, with a chance of getting better before the day is over. Chance of us being right: 50%
  • ESPN’s First Take- Stephen A Smith: I’m tellin’ ya Skip, the economy is going to be BOOMING in a month. I don’t know much, but I do know this: you will never see a better rebounder than the 2012 economy. NEVER. I’m talking triple-double GDP potential, behind-the-back interest rates and unemployment so low you’ll think Muggsy Bogues was Shaq. Skip, I’m tellin ya’, Ben Bernanke will go down as the BEST CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE EVER.
  • Skip Bayless: Stephen A., you have lost your mind. This economy is more unclutch than LeBron James. The stimulus package was worse than a Dwight Howard free throw. Pretty soon, the only ones who will still be employed will be you and I, because America needs us. The only person who can save this economy, and I say this because I truly mean it, and nobody can convince me otherwise: the savior, Tim Tebow.
  • Cartoon Network- Bam! Pow! The economy is going to THWACK!   Power slam! “I’ll get you, unemployment!” “MUHAHAHAHAHA you’ll never dip under 8% again!” “That’s what you think, Orangeman John Boehner!” KABOOMPOWROARRRRRRRRRRRR.
  • Betty White- “The economy will be as strong as it was when I was a little girl, or else I didn’t just drop a load in my adult diaper. No really, I did, excuse me.”
  • Siri- “I found three restaurants serving eggs benedict near you.”

Onlookers Horrified as Child Licks Subway Pole

Some unwritten rules in New York City are not meant to be broken: don’t eat at restaurants that have an F-minus-minus rating, don’t feed the pigeons your leftovers from Le Bernadin, don’t go to Times Square ever, and, of course don’t start a conga line down Houston St. with the homeless.

In that same vein is a rule broken yesterday by one 7-year-old boy: don’t ever, EVER touch your tongue to a subway pole. Particularly one of the poles on the C trains, because they’ve been around since the Civil War.

The boy, nicknamed “Frogfart” by his comrades in the first grade, was riding with his parents from 14th St. up to 81st St. en route to the Museum of Natural History. According to passengers who witnessed the event, the train left the Columbus Circle station and Frogfart inched toward the center pole, grabbing on with both hands. Before his parents could reach him, the boy stuck put his head toward the ground, stuck out his tongue and let loose a long lick that reached as high as his 4-foot-frame would allow.

As the boy licked, a silent alarm was triggered at the New York City Health Department, and the train was met by officials in hazmat suits at 72nd street. The boy was confiscated while his parents were spanked for lazy parenting by Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

Frogfart is currently being quarantined in an Upper West Side Jewish hospital, where rabbis are currently trying to guilt the desire to lick subway poles out of him. To date, there has been no reported success.

Meanwhile, seven onlookers were being treated for acid reflux on a Central Park bench following the incident.


Chelsea Barista Willing to Try High-Water Pants

Michael Fortly, a barista at a local Chelsea coffee shop, has struggled to keep the bottoms of his pants dry for as long as he can remember.

“Every time it rains, I end up with wet, brown jeans from stepping in puddles,” Fortly said. “Then the pants dry and turn kinda gross, and eventually fray.”

Though Fortly has resisted the obvious solutions for his entire life, he appears ready to make a monumental move that could allow him to spend his paychecks on something other than new pants.

Friends have suggested a number of options for “Wet Pantsly,” as he has become known to the bodega community and New Jersey Devils fans. Many suggested not wearing pants, others recommended wearing short shorts, and still more proposed tucking pants into rain boots.

Yet it was only recently that Fortly decided to face a fear he has held ever since he could remember; or, at least since he stopped smoking six joints per day: the barista is ready to purchase high-water pants.

The fear, it seems, stems from unusually sensitive ankles, which doctors often describe as “unusually sensitive ankles.” Though Fortly can expose his entire leg to the outside world, allowing only his ankles to breath causes symptoms that include hives, shallow breathing and the over-consumption of matzoh balls.

For the last six months, Fortly has worked with a therapist to overcome his issues, which he claims have resulted in owing Uniqlo “at least 17 beers, a slice of pizza from Joe’s…and $2,500.”

When Fortly puts on his first pair of high-water pants, which he expects to do sometime next week, he doesn’t know what to expect. He’s been rubbing his ankles with Icy Hot for the last two weeks in preparation, and frequently cutting off leg hair, only to re-apply with masking tape.

His therapist, in an obvious breach of doctor-patient confidentiality, told us: “Have you ever seen something so ridiculous? Besides from my other patient, Zach Brownstein, who has licked nearly three-fourths of the Mr. Softee trucks in Manhattan.”

Supreme Court Justices Complain of Awkward Tan Lines

With major decisions on immigration and campaign finance already announced, and a healthcare decision looming later this week, several Supreme Court Justices took to the press to speak their mind. In a rare series of interviews, Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Kagan, Scalia, and Ginsburg spent 45 minutes lamenting the tan lines they develop each summer.

“Everyone knows that we are appointed to the Court for life,” said Roberts. “But not everyone is aware that we can’t take these heavy black robes off. Have you ever tried to run on an elliptical in one of these?”

Scalia was quick to take up the issue of tan lines, as the New Jersey native heads to the Jersey Shore whenever the Court is not in session. “Take a look at what I’m wearing,” Scalia urged reporters. “The only things I can get tan are my head, my hands and my double chin.” Those close to Scalia confirmed the sunburn on the second of Scalia’s chins.

Ginsburg was even more adamant about the need for a Constitutional amendment that would allow the Justices the freedom to even out their tan lines, even if it meant a tanning booth in each of their chambers. “Back in the 40’s, all the solders coming back from the war used to love my tan. Now, well, let’s just say things aren’t looking as good under this robe,” Ginsburg said, as 20 reporters lost their lunches from the last two weeks.

A relatively new addition to the Court as an Obama-appointed Justice, Kagan said she was having a difficult time adjusting to having to wear the robe full-time. “Just this past weekend, I went to the pool and laid out for a few hours,” Kagan said. When I de-robed to shower [Justices can remove the garb for personal hygiene], I looked like one of those red, white and blue popsicles.” Several more reporters lost a month’s worth of dinners at this claim, and nobody asked what the “blue part” came from.

When awoken from their two-month nap for comment on the issue, members of Congress mumbled something about tanning causing the national debt to rise before immediately going back to their hibernation.

Mitt Romney: “I really liked that Red Sox player with the beard”

Presidential candidates are asked their opinions on a number of issues while out on the campaign trail, and not all of them have to do with politics. Today, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked his thoughts on the Boston Red Sox trading Kevin Youkilis to the Chicago White Sox.

After his internal processors computed the question, Romney smiled quizzically. As he began to speak, a struggle formed across his face, and it appeared that the human Romney began fighting the robotic Romney for who would answer the question.

Reporters began backing off, as if the former Massachusetts governor would combust.

Finally, the two parts of Romney combined to create his answer: “I really liked that Red Sox player with the beard.” One reporter was later quoted as saying, “Well, that’s more than most Red Sox fans could say about Youkilis.”

Romney’s inner computer then took over, as the candidate started spouting a series of batting averages and OPS number directly from Youkilis’ baseballreference.com page.

When Romney got to the 2004 World Series, however, there appeared to be a hard drive malfunction, as the candidate started repeating the phrase “bloody sock” before a blue screen of death appeared on his face. Campaign spokesman Robert Berkman unfroze Romney by holding down his left nipple and right butt cheek, which he claimed was preferable to giving the candidate an enema, thus performing a full restart.

“Next election, we’re getting a Mac,” Berkman said as he performed Romney’s software update on the latest Supreme Court decisions.