The history of intramural sports is riddled with scandal. Among some of the most famous incidents:
- Two non-profit girls were indicted in an ultimate frisbee point-shaving scandal in Houston in 1991
- The “Kick Nasty” kickball team in Los Angeles was banned from the sport after the water balloon prank of 1997.
- Seven clowns from the Barnum and Bailey flag football team were accused of greasing their flags, though the charges were never proven
On Sunday, however, the biggest scandal in the history of intramural sports occurred, as 75 Chicago investment bankers from J.P. Morgan, Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs were charged with the excessive use of PEDs (protein-enhancing drinks) in the extremely casual softball league run by the Chicago Intramural Sports League. League officials became suspicious of the protein ring after several players began bench pressing spectators in the outfield, while pitchers started attaching 50 pound weights to their gloves for bicep curls between push-ups.
“It appears the banking community has started its own e-mail list, whereby tips and underground protein secrets were passed back and forth,” said Officer George Donahue. “There was also something about the Facebook IPO and Bernie Madoff on there, but to be honest, it all seemed like mumble jumble to me.”
Those players caught in the juicing scandal will appear before a court of polish sausages on August 21. Those players who resist will be allowed to play again after a two-year ban from the league.
Those who clog their arteries with the meats will be offered a roster spot on the Chicago Cubs.