In light of a recent experience in which I ended up massacring a mango with a butter knife, I have decided to compile a list of all the day-to-day activities in which I feel inadequate. This way, everyone will know which of my traits to exploit, while I can attempt to better myself, one pathetic task at a time. If any of you are embarrassed for me after reading this list, just think about how I feel compiling it.
Ready? OK!
Andrew’s List of things at which he’s not too competent…
- Cutting mango
- Singing with a falsetto that doesn’t sound like my voice just cracked
- Continuing to increase the amount of weight I lift
- Using apostrophes when writing contractions
- Refraining from talking over someone while on the phone with them
- Saying no to peer pressure
- Texting on my iPhone
- Finishing books
- Chugging beer
- Talking to random girls at a bar
- Chugging beer and then immediately talking to random girls at a bar
- Regularly writing blog posts/recording podcasts
- Making definitive decisions on whether or not to pee in the middle of the night
- Playing video games
- Playing Angry Birds
- Keeping an orange peel in one piece while removing
- Getting rid of the “orange hands” smell
- Timing whether or not to walk across the street when the “don’t walk” hand is blinking
- Using scissors in an efficient manner
- Removing the plastic tags from clothing with my hands
- Removing the plastic tags from clothing with scissors
- Drying clothing for the proper amount of time
- Keeping clothing from wrinkling, even after folding/hanging
- Seeing movies I “keep meaning to see.”
- Having cash on me when I really need it
- Using Bank of America ATMs instead of ATMs with $32409834098324 fees
- Using mechanical pencils
- Not hitting the snooze button
- Sorting recycling in NYC
- Ironing
- Getting rid of cramps while running
- Remembering to use cherry tomatos after purchasing them
- Resisting ice cream
- Keeping my self-esteem at a high level after making a list of the things at which I’m not good
- Keeping in touch with old friends
- Deciding whether or not to give a homeless person money
- Speaking up for myself
- Being confrontational when necessary
- Walking on sidewalks without tripping
- Saying no to people soliciting on the street for organizations like Greenpeace
- Writing legibly
- Motivating myself to be a morning person
- Packing
- Unpacking
- Refraining from overpacking
- Arriving at the airport without too much time to wait for boarding
- Keeping my shoes tied
- Refraining from biting my nails
- Reading e-mails in the middle of the night
- Not making impulsive purchases
- Quoting movies
- Remembering the names of actors/actresses/directors
- Singing lyrics correctly
- Anything handy- drilling, hammering, using power tools
- Constructing anything from IKEA
- Shaving my neck
- Checking Twitter too often
- Remembering to defrost meat
- Bringing lunch to work
- Eat avocado or guacamole and not getting the chills
- Drinking orange juice
- Not smearing while handwriting with pens or markers
- Not following through completely on seemingly good ideas
- Waterskiing
- Tying balloons…have never successfully tied one in my life
- Walking up an escalator going down
- Skateboarding
- Diving with any sort of noticeable form
- Operating on just a few hours of sleep
- Falling asleep while people are talking
- Sleeping through loud events/noises
- Leaving personal belongings in public places
- Cutting myself off after lists go on for too long…
- Just kidding
- Heading a ball in soccer
- Dropping it like it’s hot
- Dribbling with my right hand
- Finding sunglasses that fit my face
- Wearing sunglasses while doing activities that require looking into the sun
- Keeping my foot from falling asleep
- Washing dishes the night after using them
- Keeping headphones in good, working order
- Sending birthday/holiday cards
- Making lists that reach 100…
Advertisement
