Monthly Archives: July 2009

Back when SNL was Awesome…

…skits like these came out on the reg. One of Will Ferrell’s best characters, and one of my favorite bits from SNL:

And here is my favorite Goulet impression: The Coconut Bangers’ Ball: It’s a Wrap (you should be able to hold your mouse over the link and watch it on this page).

My Morning with the Old Timers


Some quick thoughts from my day spent as a member of the working media at the new Yankee Stadium…

-The old-timer who received the most attention today may have been Tom Watson, but on the other side of the pond, a group of former baseball greats were reliving their glory days. Yogi Berra, Reggie Jackson, Goose Gossage, Ken Griffey Sr., Doc Gooden, Joe Pepitone, Mike Mussina and many more former Yankees were on hand for Old Timers’ Day to chat and then play an actual game before the real Yankees took the field to play the Detroit Tigers. I was lucky enough to have access to be on the field while the former players were taking BP and chatting with the media.

Listening to these players took about the game was incredible. For some reason, former baseball players always tell the best stories, though I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the game of baseball, where individual pitches and at-bats can become instantly legendary. Or maybe it’s because the season is so long and there are so many games, which in turn gives players a lot more story fodder. Whatever the case, it was remarkable to listen to some of these players recount stories of their on-field triumphs from decades ago. Standing next to Yogi Berra on the field before the game is something I will not forget anytime soon.

-The new Yankee stadium is awesome. Very big and very nice while still maintaining the Yankee Stadium feel. I do have two major complaints, however. The first is the ridiculous dimensions of the ballpark, which look even sillier in person. It appears the walls aren’t the only problem, but they are definitely playing a factor. The wall seems close enough to reach out and touch down the lines. I would not at all be surprised if this comes back to bite the Yankees at some point. Pitchers just aren’t going to want to pitch there if they know their ERA will inflate pitching at home.

My second complaint is directed at the staff working at Yankee Stadium: Please realize that you are working at a baseball game, where people come to have fun and pay lots of money to attend and be entertained. You are not working at a maximum security prison. Just because your shirt says “staff” does not mean you are a military general. So stop acting that way. If you agree to stop being so uptight all of the time, I’ll agree to stop trying to sneak into the really expensive seats (just kidding).

-The Yankees have very good food for the media. An $11 buffet that included food from every food group and health range, from parfaits to fried chicken and everything in between. There was even an omelette station. Awesome.


-I really like Joe Girardi, and not just because he’s a Northwestern alum. He’s very personable and good with the media. He seems to hold his own with the ready-to-attack press in the Big Apple, and is doing a pretty good job this season managing 25 Yankee uniforms filled with stacks of money.


- If you don’t have to drive to Yankee stadium, don’t. We had to drive (had TV equipment) and it took forever to get out of the parking garage. The subway is cheap, easy, and is right next to the stadium. Use it so that the media can get home in less than two hours.

-As much as I dislike the Yankees, their fans are great while at the stadium (and generally obnoxious at all other times). They know when to clap, actually stand up and make noise, and come up with clever chants. This is in stark comparison to Met fans who turn on their team after the first base hit and whose most clever chant is “Yankees suck.” I hope one day the Orioles can pack Camden Yards like the Yanks pack their ballpark.

-Baseball is the greatest sport in the world.

RIP, Walter Cronkite


Even to those who didn’t grow up watching him deliver the news, Cronkite is still an icon, even for those not interested in journalism. Since there’s no tribute I can properly give, I’ll just let the man speak for himself (which for many years, he did quite eloquently):

My favorite part of the second video comes from the former LBJ aide, who says, “The president knew that if he had lost Walter Cronkite, he had lost the war.” That certainly speaks volumes about the man’s integrity and influence.

Are Baseball General Managers foolishly unselfish?

omar minaya

It’s a question posed to me in an e-mail, once again, by Fus, who is becoming a regular muse for me on this blog. During the All-Star game the TV crew was discussing Toronto ace Roy Halladay,  and the possibility of a trade that would send him to a team back in the States.

This led Fus to consider the following situation: Prospects in baseball are cheap, plentiful and great bargaining chips. Yet, these young players are far from sure things when it comes to producing at a major-league level. Still, baseball GM’s savor these prospects, waiting for them to ripen and become Hall of Famers, even when the large majority of them are out of baseball by the time they reach their mid-20’s. So the question Fus posed is this: why do GM’s, most of whom have relatively shaky job security, insist on hanging on to these prospects when trading a couple of them for a veteran could get them to the playoffs and lock up a playoff spot, thus extending the GM’s shelf life? In other words, why aren’t GM’s selfishly bigger buyers at the trade deadline?

An excerpt from his email: “The best examples are the Rangers, Mariners, Tigers, and Rockies: those teams are all good right now, without any guaranteed lasting power. Why wouldn’t that GM trade a couple of prospects – who may or may not pan out – for a guaranteed ace. Think how good the tigers would be with a rotation of Halladay, Verlander, Jackson and Porcello. Maybe they won’t win it all, but they’ll lock up a spot in October, and extend the security of the GM. In 3 or 4 years when their prospects are ready, that GM probably won’t even be around, ya know?”

It’s a very interesting question, and I don’t think there is just one answer that prevents GM’s from doing this. Instead, I think a number of factors keep those in charge from selling the farm every July for short-term investments. Here is a list of reasons for you, my man:

1. Just as there are no sure-thing prospects (except Matt Wieters), there’s also no sure-thing when it comes to making the playoffs. Remember, the Yankees and Mets both missed the playoffs last year. Teams collapse and injuries occur. It’s hard to assume a team in July is a lock for the playoffs. And if the unforseen happens, and the team misses the playoffs AFTER trading away some of the organization’s best prospects, instead of securing a few extra years of employment, the GM may find himself looking for work immediately.


2. Being the GM who trades away a future hall-of-fame player lands you in the fan and media doghouse for the rest of your life, and sometimes even beyond. The move will forever plague you, and you will be asked about it on the streets by reporters and total strangers alike. Even if the move was a good one at the time, fans will rarely look at the history books to vindicate you. Instead, you’ll forever be known as the dimwit who “traded so and so away for washed-up veteran X,” even if washed-up veteran X helped the team reach the playoffs. GM’s are acutely aware of this, and this often causes them to act conservatively.

3. While the buck may stop with the GM when assessing a team’s success, a team of executives make player personnel decisions. While the job security for some of these executives may be tied to the GM, many have more stable positions, and thus are going to advise against trading away lots of homegrown talent, even if it means short-term success. And though a GM can get away with ignoring those other voices in the organization for some time, if the team isn’t winning, those other voices will eventually prevail, and the GM will be the odd man out.

4. (Most) owners are not stupid. If they see that a GM is mortgaging the future of the franchise for a quick-fix playoff run, they won’t be happy. If a team has the potential to be good for seven years down the line, or one year this season, the owner will take the seven-year run, no matter who the GM is. But the GM might not have time to wait for the prospects to develop, which, as Fus pointed out, should cause him to play his hand early. But if the GM makes the bold move and it doesn’t work out, he’ll have a hard time getting another job. A mistake like that is potentially career-damaging, and that reputation is tough to change.

5. Money. Prospects are cheap. Successful veterans are not. For a team to borrow a veteran for a couple of months, they are shipping away cheap talent that will need to be replaced at some point. For smaller market teams, they probably won’t be able to resign the veteran (see: Brewers, C.C. Sabathia) after season’s end. This might buy the GM a little time if the move works, but could also sacrifice the team’s future, which would presumably end the GM’s tenure prematurely.


Still, despite the stated reasons above, there are convincing arguments for Fus’ position. For one, the goal each season for any team, GM included, should be to win the World Series. If the GM believes that he has an opportunity to put his team in a position to win it all, he should feel some obligation to make that happen. So many things change from year to year, and, as has been mentioned, prospects are risky. If the title is in sight, it only make sense to try to grab it. Nothing does more for a GM’s job security than a World Series ring.

And, when it comes down to it, GM’s are concerned about themselves, and rightfully so. If their jobs are in jeopardy, and they think they can make a move to extend their contract and get the media off their backs, it’s human nature to want to do that. Of course, then the reasons above come into play, but that desire, I would imagine, is present within many general managers.

So as the trading deadline in Major League Baseball nears and as deals are completed, take a look at the rationale and potential motivations that teams have for making the trade. It just might be a little more complex than it seems.

There might just be a man, sitting in an office, hoping he’s not moving his stuff out in October. More than just wins are riding on the deal.

Stadium Seating: Links and Video, 7/15/09


On a lazy Wednesday, here are some links and videos for your Internet pleasure:

1. I know this article says there are potential good causes to come out of this research, but it really actually just freaks me out.

2. One of my favorite videos of all-time. Sophomore year, I probably watched this video a couple hundred times. It has a little more meaning to me after interning at a local news station for 11 weeks:

3.Found this site via Freakonomics. Not sure how viable of a business plan it is, but in the cell phone age, I think we could all probably use it.

4. I recently have gotten into Radiohead after years of denying that I would like them. Stupid stubbornness. Here is an incredible version of the early favorite for best Radiohead song, in my opinion:

5. NBC’s new show The Wanted raises some ethical journalistic questions. They are discussed here. Personally, I am in the camp of thinking it’s cheap entertainment that diminishes the work of the troops fighting day in and day out. But I’ll make a more concrete judgment after I see the show.

The Legacy of a Ringless Athlete


I received an instant message the other day from a friend asking me, “So when’s the post about Mason coming?” Not exactly sure what he was talking about, I quickly headed to the Baltimore Sun’s website to see what the news about Ravens’ wide receiver Derrick Mason was. I quickly learned that Mason had decided to retire, but that was not what struck me. Instead, I was drawn to a line in the summary on the front page of the Sun’s website that pointed out Mason’s lack of a Super Bowl victory.

The summary on the front page of the site is supposed to include the most important information within the story, so clearly the writer or web editor felt that Mason’s lack of a championship is a very important part of his career. To Mason, I’m sure this is important; no doubt he would rather not have that mark on his resume. But how important is it to Mason’s legacy, or the legacy of any athlete, not to have won a championship? And are there other factors more important to an athlete’s legacy than championships?

Here’s a list of some of the top players to never have won a ring:

Barry Sanders, Dan Marino, John Stockton, Ken Griffey Jr., Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, Gale Sayers, anyone on the Red Sox between 1918 and 2004, Jim Kelly, Patrick Ewing, anyone on the Cubs since 1908, Jim Rice and Ty Cobb.

That’s quite an impressive list. But are the legacies of any of these athletes tarnished because they never finished a season on top? In my opinion, it depends on the sport and the position of the player in order to make a judgment like that. I don’t think a blanket statement can be made about athlete’s legacies if they haven’t won a title.


For instance, I hold Patrick Ewing more accountable for having never won a championship than someone like Barry Sanders. Because of the nature of basketball, with less players on the court, individual players have a greater impact on the final outcome of the game. For Barry Sanders, he may have been a phenomenal player, but in the end, he has no impact on how well his defense plays. Thus, I can’t fault him entirely for never having won a championship.

But in the end, championships are the ultimate goal for players. Thus, it is at least worth mentioning when recapping a players’ career. Still, I don’t think it should be one of the first things mentioned about a players’ career. I don’t think it should have been on the front page of the Baltimore Sun. I don’t think it should be the first thing mentioned about Dan Marino. And I don’t think it should haunt the legacies of Stockton and Malone. Instead, it should be an unfortunate post-script on a player’s otherwise stellar list of accolades.

My bigger problem, which I discussed earlier today with my boy Weitzen, is when legacies are created from things that happen off the field. When personalities override performance. When headcases live on in the memories of sports fans, for better or worse, and the quiet players often fade, well, quietly, into oblivion. As Weitzen asked out, who will fans remember more in 20 years? Terrell Owens or Marvin Harrison? Randy Moss or Derrick Mason? Dennis Rodman or Robert Horry? Ron Artest or Ray Allen? The answer to all of those questions, in my opinion, is with the louder, more abrasive athlete.

It’s a sad reality, created in part by the media and in part by human nature’s desire for drama and interesting characters. It’s a lot more fun to root against an abrasive character than it is to acknowledge the guy who goes out, does his job and then goes home quietly at the end of the day. And the label an athlete creates for himself during his playing days generally stays with him into retirement, thus cementing his legacy in large part due to a personality trait, rather than physical ability or accomplishment.


But should we look deeper at an athlete’s career to determine his legacy, moving beyond shallow measurements of athlete achievement and personality? It would seem more fair that way, but remember that a lot of an athlete’s legacy is determined by those two things. The thoughts that come to the minds of most fans first when thinking about a retired athlete is generally is reflective of the player’s legacy.

So an athlete who wants to be immortalized in the minds of fans needs to do the following things: Be a great player, have personality but don’t get in trouble/be annoying/pesky in the media, AND win a championship.

Piece of cake.

Bill Simmons vs. Traditional Sports Journalists Photo Photo

The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, has a shtick that his readers all know. His columns are all derived from his life as a Boston sports fan. He watches games on television or in the stands, just like every other sports fan, rather than the press box. He derives insights of athletes based on interviews and performance that he sees from afar, rather than talking to them in the locker room. His goal is to voice his opinion through the eyes of an average Joe sports fan, rather than the traditional sportswriter.

We’re all familiar with the traditional sports journalist as well. That guy (or woman) who has been a sports fan since birth, who was at (insert huge sports history moment here) which let him know he wanted to be a sports journalist, who makes jokes about his weight or lack of athleticism regularly, and who uses pop culture references from the 1970’s.

Neither side thinks too highly of the other, which is a shame. To combine the two would breed a form of journalism that today’s sports fan deserves. But are the two mutually exclusive? Let’s take a closer look.

It seems to be the opinion of Simmons that traditional sports journalists have become jaded by working in the business for so long. By going through the motions day in and day out in covering a team or sport, traditional journalists seem to lose some of the spark that they had when entering the business. And the malaise begins to show on their faces, in their reporting and in their weight. I remember my boy Fus telling me, after spending a summer in the media relations department with the Cleveland Cavs, that the thing the sportswriters looked forward to the most was the free food at the games or team functions. I’m sure most of these reporters didn’t grow up dreaming of covering their doughnuts with powdered sugar  instead of covering some of sports’ most famous athletes, but after years of covering sports, it appears that what is a dream job for many ends up being a chore for those in the positions.

It’s a shame that this is the case, and to be certain, does not hold true for every sports reporter. Yet in the time I have spent around professional sports reporters, both at my time covering Northwestern athletics at school or during my summer internship, which has allowed me to cover N.Y. Mets games, the theme rings true: the fan is gone, the fun is gone, and, just like anything else, the work is a job. The reporters sit through press conferences, hoping to get a couple of bytes to place in their stories. They sit and wait in a PROFESSIONAL SPORTS LOCKER ROOM and complain about the time, the athletes, or anything else that is bothering them at the moment. And they eat…a lot.


But I must admit that I see how it happens. While covering a professional sports team is still a novelty, and the excitement of interviewing David Wright at his locker has yet to wear off, I see the transition. I see how being a fan can fall secondary to getting your job done or getting home at a reasonable time from the ballpark when you’re there every day. It’s a sad reality that has made me question whether I want to go into this form of sports journalism.

Bill Simmons is in a sports journalism camp on the opposite end of the spectrum. He doesn’t sit through press conferences and doesn’t go into the locker room. He claims that it allows him to remain a fan, and not get sucked into the rut of sports reporters that I mentioned above. This allows him to transfer his unbridled passion for his teams into his writing, which is an appealing style to his readers. He’s able to look at sports from outside the cage into which sports reporters are often trapped. And it also allows him to make claims about athletes without consequence, because he knows he doesn’t have to worry about interviewing them the next day.

When I frame it like I just did, it seems Simmons has it better, and as far as quality of life in regards to his job, that may be true. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that his form of journalism is more important than the work the everyday reporter does. Without reporters, there aren’t game recaps, there aren’t postgame interviews and there aren’t interesting human interest stories. Granted, there is an overload of these things in today’s saturated media landscape, but there are plenty of noteworthy and important stories done by these traditional reporters.

At the same time, what Simmons does is important as well. He is able to keep things in perspective by writing from outside the locker room, and can relate to the average fan far better than a reporter who hasn’t paid for admission to a ballpark in 35 years.

So can these two styles coexist under one by-line? The answer, unfortunately, is probably not. Because Simmons writes from the perspective of the fan, and thus writes what a fan thinks about players’ performances and personalities, it would be very hard for him to land a ton of interviews. And because he pokes fun at many of the reporters and columnists out there, he would have a hard time in surviving in the press box.

At the same time, it seems all but inevitable that spending decades covering athletes from the inside can wear one down. It’s very hard to keep the fan perspective alive after years of being treated poorly by athletes and coaches, event management and editors. At some point, it seems that fire that was once lit from seeing Larry Bird, Muhammad Ali, Willie Mays or Joe Namath play eventually burns out.

larry bird

Thus, the fan must take what Simmons writes and what the local beat reporter or columnist writes and digest it all, parsing through thousands of words to form his/her own perspective on the world of sports.

And don’t feel too bad for those worn-out sports reporters, because the ice cream is still free for them after all these years.

Mad Dog loses it…AGAIN

I’m not the first person to link to this audio, but if you haven’t heard it yet, you must. My good friend Will Cinelli pointed it out to me, though I had heard grumblings of it before.

Mad Dog, now on SiriusXM radio, is not happy. His ratings are in the garbage, and he felt it was time for a change. So what does he do? He flips out on his staff LIVE ON THE AIR. Don’t take my word for it…watch it here (and watch all the way to the end…the last two minutes are pure gold.)

Unreal. I mean, wow. The man is completely unhinged, yet so great. How would you like to be in the room while the Dog is ripping you live on the air? Isn’t that a good way for Dog to get punched? Should he be worried that someone is going to be waiting  for him with a weapon as he’s walking to his car at night?


Why Aren’t Newspapers Hiring People like This?

news cartoon

As I mentioned at length in my post about the homeless and the future of newspapers, the old media companies are struggling. While discussing my theory with friend and tv news reporter Nick McGurk, he pointed me to this video, which focuses on ways entrepreneurs are trying to save and shape the future of news-gathering aggregates and newspapers.

I highly recommend you take a look here.

In particular, I was struck with the story of the guy who took blog posts, printed them out, and then handed them out at the train stations. It was an idea that was very similar to that of having the homeless hand out newspapers like the Chicago Tribune and New York Times for free, though the content was not the same. Still, the entrepreneur brought up an idea in regards to advertising that I had not considered.

In my opinion, the idea of hyper-local advertising, that is, extremely specific, targeted ads, down to specific train stations, is genius, even if it’s an idea rough around the edges. The ability for companies to target people who are predisposed to spending money with them is something that newspapers and other media organizations at this time struggle to do. Think about how valuable it would be for the shoe store 3 blocks from your train station to put a coupon into a paper that is given to people near their store, but not across town, thus saving them money and creating a more effective advertising campaign.

It’s another idea for newspapers to kick around. As you can tell, I’m not ready to give up on them for good. I think there is still a future for the paper, and in the print form too, but they need to figure out how. Thinking outside of the box, like in the video above, is the way to do it.

If you’re interested in what’s happening in the media world, head over to Jim Romenesko’s Poynter Online Blog.

Steroids Poker

poker table

It’s tough to get major league baseball players to talk about steroids these days. Particularly the ones who have been caught with PED’s or who are under intense scrutiny. Fortunately, I used my Between the Headset press credential to sit in on a high-stakes, no-limit poker game, and took some notes about the stuff the guys talked about.* Here’s how some of it went down:

Narrator: A dark, smoky room in in the basement of Manny’s house. I was surprised by how dumpy this basement was, but Manny assured me that the carpenter was coming to finish the basement on Monday. Apparently, these poker games have been going on for some time now, and they used to take place at A-Rod’s house, but they kept having to free Derek Jeter from bondage in the basement, and all of A-Rod’s cups were smeared with lip gloss.

On this particular night, the attendees were: Manny, Jose Canseco, A-Rod, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. An all-star cast, to be sure, with only half confirmed of taking steroids, and the other half being guilty in the court of public opinion.

The game was Texas Hold’Em, but the conversation soon turned away from cards and, as could be expected with this group, onto other things.The following conversations are as I remember them:

Clemens: Hey Big Mac, you remember that time I struck you out 4 times and you had to buy me all those shots after the game?

McGwire: I’m not here to talk about the past, bro.

Bonds: Come on Mark, stop doing that. The last time Sosa asked you about about your 70th homerun, you started crying. Get over it already.

A-Rod: Easy there, Bondsy. Let the man be. Some of us, er, some people are just sensitive.

Canseco: Hey man, if you’re upset I’ve got some stuff for you. In fact, I think I brought some with me in the car. We can go take care of it later if you want…

A-Rod: I’m not trying to end up like Manny with one of those 50 gamers. Manny, how’d that work out for you?

Manny: I didn’t have to play left field for like, 2 months man. You know how many errors that’s gonna save me this season? Like 35 or something.

Narrator: Not surprisingly, Manny was the first one to go all-in and lose. He bought back in a couple of times before giving up. Apparently, hitting a baseball really is the only thing he does well. Of course, the conversation eventually turned to steroids again, with Bonds being the center of attention:

A-Rod: Barry, how’d you keep all of that proof hidden all this time? How come your name never came out on any lists?

Bonds: I don’t know man, I really don’t. My lawyer told me to use that cream and clear excuse, like I didn’t know what they are. People didn’t believe it, but it kept them off my case. Cream and the clear? What kind of idiotic thing is that? That’s almost as dumb as Manny using that estrogen stuff.

Manny: Hey man, why are you attacking me like that? I’ve won a World Series, and people don’t hate me. And I somehow convinced people that whenever I do something dumb, it’s just Manny being Manny. I couldn’t have paid people to make that up.

Clemens: Everyone just thinks I’m a jerk because I’ve lied to every media organization out there. I lied on 60 minutes! That’s badass! But what those pricks don’t understand is that I’m the king of the strikeout. I party on the reg. Yachts on the reg. Good times on the reg. I’ve got the Dinali, and I’m not turning back. Who cares if I took some of that HGH stuff? It made my pecs look bigger when I wear tight shirts.

McGwire: Rog, what are you talking about? I’m the king…remember, King McGwire? I hit 70 homeruns one year. Tearing: It was a year that baseball fans will never forget. It saved baseball after the strike. Fans came back. People cared again. I saved baseball…

Bonds: You idiot, people hate you because you tainted the game even further. People cared until your whole steroids thing. Remember? Or can your mind not go back that far?

McGwire: Shut up, man. You’re the most hated guy in baseball.

A-Rod. Guys, guys, stop fighting. We’ve all taken steroids, there’s no need to for the bickering. By the way, Jose, I’ve been tired lately. You got anything that could pick me up?

Canseco: Boy, do I ever. It’s called JOOSE and it is awesome. Energy drink and malt liquor together in one can! Ever want to know what it’s like to have a heart attack before you get one from all the steroids later in life? Try some of this stuff. You’ll be reaching balls in the hole that Jeter could never dream of getting.


Manny: Do you think it’ll make me a better fielder?

Clemens: Remember that time you cut off a throw from the outfield as an outfielder? You’re a lost cause, bro.

Narrator: At this point, tensions are high between the normally friendly ballplayers. The poker has ceased and the guys are all having a beer and arguing. Some of the topics they argued about:

  • Hot or not: Meryl Streep
  • The fastest way to drive from Long Island to Brooklyn
  • Is Jerry Garcia a descendant of Ghandi?
  • Favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor
  • Does the move in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall in which Woody’s character kisses Diane Keaton before dinner actually work in real life?
  • Favorite sausage in the Brewers’ sausage race

sausage race

As the night wore on and the players passed the point of tipsy and crossed into drunk-land, they became more reflective. Well, McGwire and A-Rod did. The rest just became belligerent. But inevitably, the conversation turned to steroids once more, and it seemed that the players were genuinely remorseful.

McGwire: Do you guys think we ruined baseball? I mean, will the sport ever recover from what we did to it?

A-Rod: I might break Barry’s home run record one day, but I’ll always have this steroid thing hanging over me. Why did we do it?

Canseco: Chellooooo…you made millions of dollars. You’re world famous. Celebrities. Big time. TMZ puts you on their website. I call TMZ every day trying to get the paparazzi out here. What do I need to do, invite Hannah Montana over for brunch?

McGwire: It’s not about the money, man. It’s about the integrity of the game. We all grew up loving baseball. It’s been in our blood since birth. And we may have had a part in destroying an entire era of the game. Why should I feel good about that for a little bit of celebrity?

Bonds: For me, when I get off my high horse and actually think about it, it’s not about the game. It’s about my own legacy, which is forever tarnished. And that sucks. A lot. Willie Mays publicly stands by me, but deep down the dude hates me. I cheated. He never would’ve done that. That’s what hurts me the most.

Manny: You guys see that ESPN piece about me where they interviewed people in my hometown about their reactions to my suspension? Made me cry, man. Made me cry. They didn’t even say it was just Manny being Manny. It was Manny being a cheater.

Clemens: But what can we do? Some of us are out of the game, some of us haven’t even been officially caught. You think the Mitchell Report is gonna keep me from Cooperstown? Think again.

Canseco: What if I inject every baseball fan with some of that stuff that makes them forget? Then we’ll all be clean.

A-Rod: Do you actually have some of that stuff? I’d be down for that plan. Actually, could you get me a supply? That way I wouldn’t be lying with the media when I say I don’t remember my bad games…

McGwire: OK, so here’s the plan. Jose injects everyone at parks across the country with that forgetful juice. Meanwhile, we start a public campaign against steroids. That way, we look like we’re ahead of the curve on the issue.

Bonds: I like it. Let’s put our hands together. Balco on three…one, two, three…

Everyone: BALCO!


Narrator: And so that was how the night concluded. The personal drivers came to take everyone home, the poker chips were put away, Manny’s basement was finished that Monday just as he promised me, and I left that night thoroughly confused. Just when it seemed there would be a breakthrough in these guys coming clean and taking an initiative to fix what they messed up, something got the better of them. Thus, we are all still left in a cloud of uncertainty, weighing the steroids issue in baseball, without knowing exactly what happened.

Perhaps one day these men will sit around the poker table and decide to admit their flaws. Maybe one day they’ll all come completely clean. Perhaps David Frost needs to conduct interviews with all of them. Until then, we can all only speculate, just as I have, about what goes through the minds of some of baseball’s cheaters.

I doubt they are spending a whole lot of time debating whether Meryl Streep is hot or not.

*Because I don’t know what the libel laws are, this is satire and fiction and not true and I’m making all of this up. Not trying to get sued.